The McClellan High Class of ’76 Reunion Address
Hello. I’m Steve Hendricks. You may remember me from such classes as Nancy Crary’s Science Fiction as Literature and Ed Bullington’s American History You Will Forget as Soon as the Bicentennial is Over.
Fifty years ago, I wrote a monthly humor column for the Lion-Up, the McClellan High School paper. Called “Confabulation,” it was a casual discussion of whatever drivel was running through my hormone-addled brain.
In my final column, I ended by saying, “I am sorry I cannot come back next year to insult you[r intelligence] again.”
With sweetest satisfaction, I now present to you
“One Last Confabulation”
During the waning days of summer, 1973, Hurricane Delia was hammering the Texas Coast. The first Watergate indictments were handed down. Minimum wage was $1.00, which was also the cost of a bargain matinee movie ticket. Roger Moore was the new 007. The hottest films were American Graffiti and Paper Moon, although Deep Throat was up and coming.
As newly-minted Lions, we stepped into a brave new world that first day at John L. McClellan High School.
We encountered a profusion of unknown students, one-way halls, and new responsibilities and privileges, including a smoking area resembling London on a foggy day. Although probably unintended as such, the boys’ room was the unofficial second and more noxious smoking area. Personally, in order to avoid it, I gave up peeing for 3 years.
Our classrooms had no windows to the outside world, and the walls did not reach all the way to the floor, since it was designed by people unfamiliar with the similarity of teenagers to baboons. This made McClellan a noisy place, although some amusement (and spending money) came from pennies rolled under the walls.
Sophomores coveted one future privilege more than any other. Twelfth-graders drove themselves to school, parking in the unpaved “senior” lot reserved for their use only. At the end of the day, they tore out, fishtailing and spraying the unwary with a hazardous combination of gravel and still-smoldering cigarette butts. With a little bit of luck, one day those assholes would be us!
During our time at McClellan, the school expanded twice to accommodate students moving to fast-growing Southwest Little Rock. The first indoor shopping mall and multi-screen theater in Arkansas had increased the vitality of the area. Geyer Springs Road became the hot spot to cruise evenings and weekends, lined with restaurants serving food that could be fried in under 4 minutes and eaten in 3.
My dating opportunities improved in high school. So many young ladies did not yet realize what an annoying smart-ass I was. Even better, many older girls had access to cars! Removing chauffeur Mom from the equation maximized the likelihood of necking, a delightful step on the theoretical path to first base.
Our horizons expanded profoundly thanks to the faculty. When I started at McClellan, I planned to be a band director, a fate perhaps not worse than death, but certainly on a level with debilitating social disease.
After Bill Wood inspired me in chemistry and physics, I was confident that I would harness the power of controlled nuclear fusion, ushering in a new age of peace and prosperity. I assumed that English teacher Suzie West would help me craft my Nobel Prize acceptance speech. Then she gave me a B in Creative Writing, so no Stockholm for her.
Even with enthusiastic and dedicated teachers, our time was limited and our education incomplete. We later had to learn some things the hard way. For example, the correct answer to “does this dress make my butt look fat?”, is not “no more than any others do.”
At graduation, our anticipation was incautiously high. We felt that we were ready for the world. However, there were a lot of significant changes headed our way.
Since then, we have outlasted:
- 8 track tapes, cassettes, stereo speakers the size of phone booths. Also, phone booths.
- Nationwide 55 MPH speed limits, radar detectors and CB radios. Smokey is just a bear again.
- Cinnamon toothpicks and Zotz candy, which could be bartered for almost anything short of sexual favors
- Paper maps at service stations. Service at service stations.
- Pocket calculators, Sony Walkman and the Apple iPod. Hanging stuff off your belt is no longer as cool as we delusionally thought it was.
- Milli Vanilli, Tiny Tim, the Music in MTV, and later, the TV in MTV
- Tube tops, big bell bell bottoms, 3-inch platform tennis shoes, as well as the two most tasteless extremes of 1970s fashion; leisure suits and streaking. Sadly, only one of those was actually illegal.
- Glass Coke Bottles, New Coke and the Cola Wars, at which point we capitulated in the War on Tooth Decay
- Betamax and VHS, as well as 70 pound VCRs and searching Blockbuster Video for your next late fee
- Calling collect to let your parents know you arrived unmolested by carnivorous hillbillies
- Playboy Magazine, even after we were old enough to read the articles
- Short ditties crafted to sell every commodity known to man, from cleaning products to soft drinks. Everyone here knows the next phrase of “I’d like to teach the world to sing…”
Like prank birthday candles, some lights we thought extinguished have been relit, such as:
- moon shots,
- Volkswagen Beetles,
- vinyl record albums,
- and the McRib sandwich.
Recent lifestyle improvements include:
- “Best by” dates printed on every food, drink, and medicine including water and honey, which will not actually go bad until the heat death of the universe
- Little blue pills and self-heating K-Y Jelly. Even if you know, ask your kids what those are, because it will embarrass the hell out of them.
Playing a substantial part in changing the world, technology has brought us:
- Personal computers and the internet, with videos of people doing shit so stupid it helps us feel better about ourselves
- Amazon, which gave rise to instant consumer gratification and a never-ending barrage of cardboard boxes
- And perhaps the greatest contribution to world peace, cellular phone maps so couples no longer have to argue about asking directions
We have persisted through several health scares, namely:
- Legionnaire’s Disease
- Swine Flu
- Covid-19
- Rockin’ Pneumonia AND the Boogie-Woogie Blues.
If asked what I liked best about our time at McClellan, I would say it was the friends I made and the fun we had together. Similar feelings probably brought you here tonight. Either that, or you came to mooch painkillers and blood pressure meds.
Looking to the future, I urge you to keep in touch with the people who have shared your life and escapades. Have as many adventures as you can. As they say, eat dessert first.
Let’s live like we have no “Best By” dates.
